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You might have heard of the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” But you haven’t heard of, “I Kissed Goodbye ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye,’” because this book is yet to be written by me. Don’t get me wrong, I think the book by Joshua Harris gives some logical advice.
However, this whole notion about not dating is starting to remind me of another story I once heard about a Grinch in Whoville. Why do some people seem to have a grudge against dating or tend to think that it is wrong or unhealthy? Dating is good.
Why is dating good? Well, the most important attribute of dating I have found is that you learn about yourself and what you want in a relationship.
For example, by dating a guy who avoided confrontation, I realized I wanted a guy who could argue well and wasn’t afraid to speak his mind. To me, courage and good logic are more important than roses and candlelit dinners (though those aren’t bad).
On the other hand, I have a good friend who didn’t realize that she wanted a guy who would let her have her own way without any confrontation until she started dating a guy who doesn’t argue with her. It’s like shopping or eating — sometimes you won’t know if you like something until you try it.
Dating is also a great way to meet different types of people and give your life variety. I’ll never forget my first high school boyfriend, neither the fun nor the misery. He was a complete Dead head (that’s Grateful Dead for those less hippyfied). He bought me a hemp necklace for my birthday and a Bob Marley tape. I bought him a Grateful Dead poster for his. We were confused and thought we were living in 1969 and that everyday was Woodstock — minus the naked people and rampant sex. It was fun.
Would I do it again? No, but I left the relationship having gained the new knowledge of my interest in peaceful guys, my disgust with tie-dye shirts on a daily basis, and the funny realization that my grandpa thinks The Grateful Dead is good ol’ country rock music.
I then moved on to another hemp-wearing guy who listened to Phish and The Beastie Boys. Being a bit broader minded than the previous boyfriend, he read poetry, took me to the theater and at one adventurous point he almost got both of us lost, all alone in a dark cave.
In this relationship I learned that I like to go to the theater by myself, smart guys are fun, and that I should never go into a cave without telling people on the outside where I am. The latter was one of those repeated lessons that I missed the first time in geography class.
For those of you who shun dating, just try not to take life too seriously. I did this once, but luckily 1980s teen films like “Dirty Dancing,” “Mystic Pizza,” “Footloose” and “The Breakfast Club” brought me back to my younger, more exuberant self. This is the girl who professed to marry Leonardo DiCaprio when she turned 25 (only three more years to reach that goal). The 12-year-old who gushed with girlfriends over their latest crushes and who every night went to bed intending to have sweet dreams about one boy or another. This pre-adolescent would have looked with envy on the person I am today. A person who is 22, fairly independent, and free to go and do as she pleases.
Therefore I urge people to be both wise and young. The big issue is not whether you date but who you date and how. For example, avoid going out with the creep who says, “back that thing up” as if it is the first line in a Shakespeare sonnet.
And also be honest about who you are. If you like your old sweat pants and baggy T-shirts, let him or her know it. If they don’t like it then move on. Which brings me to my last point.
The wonderful of wonderfuls about dating is that you can move on. If you discover that your date lets her dog lick her face and that disgusts you, move on. If the guy you’re dating refuses to give up his road rage, move on. As the music group TLC says, “Erase. Replace. Embrace new face.”
Also, if you are at a point where you are putting up with aspects of the other person that you can’t stand just to try and make the relationship work, then you’re getting ahead of the ball game.
That is not called dating, that is called marriage. My advice on marriage: Wait, as long as you can.
Submitted March 20, 2003
MALIBU, CA
