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I constructed an entirely fake Graphic for you today… Unfortunately, I was informed late last night that something called “journalistic integrity” prevented me from doing such a thing.
Today is April Fools’ Day. As the Graphic’s editor in chief, the man in charge, the Grand Poobah, etc., I had originally planned to use my executive authority to take you all for a ride and have a little fun. I constructed an entirely fake Graphic for you today, complete with fake news and a charming Face in the Crowd about me. It only took about an hour and a half to complete – it’s amazing how easy it is to finish a newspaper with no “facts.” Unfortunately, I was informed late last night that something called “journalistic integrity” prevented me from doing such a thing.
Yeah whatever, I immediately resigned in protest, but before I left, I snuck this column into Perspectives. Here’s some of the highlights of what you missed … April Fools’!
Palmer explodes in Convo ecstasy
Overcome with the exuberant emotions of introducing yesterday’s Convocation, SGA President Jason Palmer literally exploded. Members of the campus “worship team” stood in shock as a puff of colorful blue and orange smoke billowed from where Palmer once stood.
Clad in a large sombrero, blue shorts and lime green tuxedo jacket, it was evident that Palmer was extremely excited about that day’s Convo. It featured Leon Hart, who was to discuss “How Christians can help the homeless while still waiting until marriage to have sex.”
“It wasn’t the speaker that got Jason all riled up,” said junior Chantal Moore who was seated in the front row. “I just think that after so many Convos giving everything he had, he just got too excited and his body couldn’t handle it anymore. Either way, in terms of leaving office, it was one heck of an exit.”
Profs decry reallocation edict axing math
In an odd twist of fate, Pepperdine’s math department was cut from the Seaver College curriculum Tuesday in the first round of budget cuts associated with the school’s reallocation.
Figuring they were the best people on campus to crunch numbers, Pepperdine’s math department took it upon themselves to calculate which Seaver programs should be cut. Using an algorithmic linear algebraic model, and some serious long division, Professors Bruce Dench and Harvey Jones determined that cutting Seaver’s religion program would in fact clear the entire $1 million and change needed to fix the budget crunch. Shortly after reporting their findings to Pepperdine administration Tuesday, they were given the bad news.
“All they said was, ‘Oh yeah, who needs a math department anyway?’” Dench said.
MLO goon mistakes gang member for Pep student
While traveling through Central Los Angeles last Saturday, Malibu Locals Only gang member Chip Duffy wuz capped while driving in his white BMW.
Witnesses say he began yelling obscenities at a neighborhood resident, apparently mistaking the man for a Pepperdine student because of his orange bandana.
“He just kept saying, ‘go back to mommy rich boy!’” witness Bernie Kane said. “Before he knew it, a ’78 Impala came rolling up next to him and opened fire. I don’t know what that boy was going on about, but he sure was an idiot.”
Public Safety featured on ‘Cops’
The Department of Public Safety was featured prominently on FOX’s hit TV program ‘Cops’ last week. Participating in one of the show’s famed ride-alongs, Public Safety took a camera crew on a typical Saturday night patrol.
The show featured Public Safety stopping several vehicles for infractions ranging from slowly rolling through a stop sign to driving 30 miles per hour in a 25-mile-per-hour zone. They also captured a dramatic bust of a male student in Dorm 2 drinking a beer with a girl in his room at 1:05 a.m. Neilson ratings for the episode were not very good.
Ask Ra: Your chance to consult the Egyptian Sun God about your on-campus living arrangements
Dear Ra, I’m having trouble with my roommate. She just keeps leaving the light on while I sleep and her boyfriend comes over all the time. What should I do?
Ra: Apparently, your roommate has not been paying homage to Isis and Horace recently. Tell her that her Sun God is angy and that my wrath will fall greatly upon her if she does not comply to my wishes for her to shut off the light. Her boyfriend sounds like a young Ramses III – that one just couldn’t grow up. I had to strike him down with a ball of fire and toss him into the Stargate.
Other Headlines:
Limp Bizkit rocks Alumni Park
Ken Starr could be new law dean (real headline, funny enough)
Withycombe demands a recall
Baird to Benton: ‘Yo Dawg, whaz up?’
Graphic editor kicked out of school for insulting column.
Submitted April 1, 2004
MALIBU, CA
