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This is my last column of the semester and the end might seem like a long way away, but first we have Thanksgiving, then finals, and soon after we have Christmas and the New Year. With my last column I will be saying farewell to my readers for this semester. (Please, when saying adieu for winter break don’t say “I’ll see you next year” with an inane look on your face while your friend realizes that when you see each other again it will be 2005. That was a clever trick in middle school; please do not try it again.)
Thanksgiving is my goal. Thanksgiving will be my respite from school work. It is the final break before finals — it is the calm before the storm. But really it is just one large diversion; one big holiday of procrastination.
I have been cursed with a rare strain of academic burnout. I have started projects that I know are futile attempts at procrastination. When I try to figure out how to papier-mâché instead of typing a paper then I know that it is getting bad. If you think about it, papier-mâché isn’t even a good distraction. It took me a little time to figure it out and more time to go to the store, but when I actually started mâché-ing mush like in elementary school I got sticky and frustrated.
My sea otter paper sculpture was turning out very badly, so I needed to find something to prolong finishing my otter. But then I remembered the trick about procrastination — you have to convince yourself that your work will be better and easier after you have procrastinated a while. For example, I decided to clean my room under the pretext that I work better in a clean environment. I also got coffee to perk me up, played several rounds of video games to sharpen my motor skills, purchased a plant for positive energy, called a friend to sharpen my wit and then spent several hours composing my “study-time play list” so that the positive music would drive me onward to academic victory. Don’t doubt my procrastination skills, I’m an authority on the subject.
All of these diversions worked for me because I could justify them in my mind. Granted if I spent any time actually analyzing these decisions, I would reject them as useless digressions, but all it takes is a split second of rash and unchecked thinking to send yourself to Target in search of a fern and a mirror in order to properly feng shui an apartment. The justification works like this: “With the proper alignment of my room, the time I spend traveling to Target can be quadrupled in increased productivity when the hidden currents of nature’s energies are properly channeled … and if I happen to stop at the In-N-Out down the street, that will only save time because it’s only a little out of the way and I have to eat … and if I’m having In-N-Out someone might as well come with me. I can brainstorm possible paper topics in the car with them. Brilliant.”
Five hours later, I have had In-N-Out, and my room is in harmony with the spiritual Chinese forces. I would be ready to work, but it’s dinner time and I don’t want to get started on my paper and have to break concentration for food. By the time I return to my computer, the day is almost gone, but I sit in front of my keyboard and work for 45 minutes, then take a break because I don’t want to burn myself out.
So take from my account what you will — if you strive to shirk digressions, you will now know what to avoid, but for those who endeavor to procrastinate, I have handed you the handbook. So whatever you do, take my advice to heart: have a great Thanksgiving, successful finals, a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. I’ll see you next year.
Submitted 11-18-2004
MALIBU, CA
